Ways to Kill a 'Sue
by Huinesoron
Summary: Hey kiddies, do you know what a Mary-Sue is? I do . . . something that, during the course of this story, DIES! Muahaha!
1. One to Five

Hi! Psycho author here!  
  
I'm in a rather odd mood, having read too many PPC stories (all of which can be found at misssandman.com/PPC/ppc.html. Go and read them - they're fun!), and have decided to start slaughtering Mary-Sues.  
  
If you don't know what a Mary-Sue is, consider yourself lucky. Put simply, they are characters, usually Self Inserts, who mess with the entire plot of the book/films and generally screw with Canon, including the minds and personalities of the characters.  
  
Now, the theory behind this is: What if a Mary-Sue encountered a character who *wasn't* OOC? Considering the odd places they pop up, I have a feeling this could be quite . . . interesting. Muahaha.  
  
(Note: These are not in any particular order. Some of the later ones may actually be from right at the beginning. Uh . . . you know what I mean)  
  
* * * *  
  
Number One: The Council of Elrond  
  
Suzanne Lentilbrains [I'm really sorry about the names. My ability to think in Sue-ish terms isn't too great] was angry. Her evil parents had kicked her out of her house for being too interested in Lord of the Rings. That was why she now used the secret spell that had been passed down her family for generations. She didn't know what it did, but . . .  
  
Suddenly she found herself falling through the air. Around her were clouds and blue sky. Below, and coming ever nearer, was a forested valley. Various buildings were constructed in it. She fell towards an open courtyard in which a group were sitting discussing something . . .  
  
SPLAT!  
  
Lord Elrond Halfelven looked down at the mess that had appeared on his floor. It seemed to have once been a human girl, but now was flatter than a pancake. Motioning to the rest of his council, he said, "Lower your weapons," and continued to discuss the fate of the One Ring. There was time to think about falling girls later.  
  
Number Two: The Council of Elrond Mark II  
  
Lorelli Goldenbreath was depressed. Her parents had just been killed by a random axe murderer and her house burned. Now all she had left was a photograph of Legolas, the love of her life. Burying her face in the paper, she wept.  
  
The feeling of air rushing past her made her look up. She found herself falling through a blue sky towards somewhere she immediately recognised - Rivendell! Now she would get to profess her love to the gorgeous elf! [I cannot *believe* I just wrote that!]  
  
Angling herself carefully in the breeze, she fell directly onto his lap. She had time for one, brief, happy sigh before Legolas recovered enough to grab both his knives and sever her spine at the neck. Then she knew no more.  
  
Number Three: The Council of Elrond Mark III  
  
Legolana Silverhair ran through Imladris, her long hair trailing behind her. She didn't want to miss the Council! Although she hadn't been invited - indeed, Lord Elrond hadn't even known that a representative from the PaleFlower Woods was coming - she felt sure she would be needed. And, of course, she would get to see again the one she had loved in secret for so long - Legolas, the Prince of Mirkwood.  
  
The elf rushed onto the patio. She saw her Legolas reach behind him, grab his bow, string an arrow and loose it, all in one graceful movement. Then the sharp arrowhead pierced her heart, and she blacked out from the pain.  
  
Elrond stepped over to the cooling body. "Prince Legolas, why did you shoot her? She may have had important news."  
  
Legolas shook his head, replacing his bow behind him. "My lord, I know this girl. She used to stalk me, long ago. She became a servant of evil in the deep past."  
  
Number Four: The Redhorn Gate  
  
As the snow fell in deep drifts, a decision was finally made to turn back. Caradhras had defeated them. They would have to brave the long darkof Moria.  
  
As the nine turned and retreated before the onslaught, no one recalled the girl who had joined them just beyond Rivendell. They were all far too distracted.  
  
By the time anyone had the time to wonder about the fate of Violet Shinyfingers, her corpse was cooled to the same temperature as the snow that surrounded it. The elf girl had frozen to death, buried beneath the anger of the mountain.  
  
Number Five: The Extra Ringwraith  
  
The Nazgul rode out from their stronghold of Minas Morgul. As their powerful black steeds reached the crossroads, another joined them from the east. "Hi," said the black-cloaked figure of the newcomer, "I'm Angelina Glowingelf. Souron sent me out to meet you guys after giving me this cool ring."  
  
She might have been going to say more, but the Black Riders had heard enough. Although they were fond of creating dramatic tension, they could move swiftly when required.  
  
She never even saw the nine silver swords as they sliced into her wraithlike body, severing the last essence of life. Without so much as a sigh, the black cloak crumpled down over the horse, which proceeded to wander off.  
  
With a screech, the Nazgul resumed their journey.  
  
* * * *  
  
I'm sorry for inflicting the torture of having to read about Mary-Sues on you. The question is, do you want me to continue? There are lots more things I can do. Muahaha.  
  
hS 


	2. Six to Ten

Wow. Popular. Bloodthirsty little lot, aren't you?  
  
Well, no worries. I *like* bloodthirsty. I have a feeling I'm gonna run out of ideas real soon, though. Anyway, here's my review replies.  
  
Tindomiel: Bah. Evil spawning 'Sues. That is a good idea. However, a little out-of-character for Galadriel, so I'll have to alter it a little. Muahaha.  
  
Firestar: Yes. More.  
  
Legolas-lover-baby: Almost as good as Pancakes? Thanks! Ooh, MSs' possessing people. Nice plan. You violent person . . . join the club!  
  
Writer From Rivendell: Glad you like it! I'll use the Generator if I run out of name ideas. Considering some of the stuff in here . . .  
  
Silver Flame of the Phoenix: Hey, nice new name. Well, does anyone like Mary-Sues?  
  
Merrylyn: Well, thank you. Carnage . . . yummy. What are these orbs?  
  
Tarock: My word. I think we've found another manic 'Sue hater. Good! The more the merrier!  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: Glad you like it. No, Suzanne isn't based on you . . . well, sort of. I needed a name idea . . . but it's not *that* based.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: I'm glad you like it. Yes, death to them all! And okay, I think you think I'm evil. Good.  
  
Ah, well. Here it is: parts six through ten of my epic work of random violence.  
  
* * * *  
  
Number Six: Balin's Tomb  
  
"They have a cave troll," said Boromir, his voice dripping with irony. Orlanda Bloominuisance felt her heart leap. At last, a chance to make her Lovely Legolas notice her!  
  
Moving closer to the door, she waited for the moment when the beast would enter and she would prove herself. When it came, however the troll walked right over her. Its left foot smashed the girl into an unrecognisable pulp.  
  
No one noticed; no one cared.  
  
Number Seven: The Bridge of Khazad-Dum  
  
Firena Alantiena ran with the rest of the Fellowship to the bridge. As she was about to run across it, however, she heard her darling Legolas cry, "Aiee! A balrog, a balrog is come!"  
  
Turning, she beheld the firey beast. As her companions reached the other side of the bridge - all save Gandalf, who stopped in the middle to drive off the demon - she raised her hands and cried, in a commanding voice, "You cannot pass!"  
  
Unfortunately for her, the Balrog was of a different opinion. Ignoring the girl, it continued on, leaving only a small pile of ashes and the stench of cooked flesh in the place of Firena.  
  
Number Eight: The Palantir [Warning: If Peter Jackson decides to keep this scene, this could be a RotK spoiler]  
  
Pippin cried out, slumping away from the Seeing Stone he held. Gandalf awoke and began to move towards him, but Greenlight Moonshine got there first. Staring into the Palantir, she spoke to the Dark Lord at the other end.  
  
"Now then, Mr Sauron, I'm sure you didn't need to do that. Why can't you just- aak!"  
  
She didn't get to continue, as Sauron had had enough of her and, using a mere fraction of his power, reached out and shattered her mind. Her body remained, but Greenlight was dead.  
  
Number Nine: The Mirror of Galadriel  
  
As Frodo and Galadriel left the clearing, Merilana Boingeshini stepped out of the trees. She had watched the events in the glade, and now wished to see the Mirror for herself.  
  
It was still full, so she moved silently to it and gazed in. Visions flickered before her, and as time passed her face moved ever closer to the surface. Normally, Galadriel would have warned her, "Do not touch the water," but the elven lady was not there. Merilana' head sank beneath the surface, visions still blinding her, and she drowned.  
  
It was several days before Galadriel returned to the Mirror, and Merilana's face had, in the cool water, rotted beyond recognition.  
  
Number Ten: Random Encounter With Duel  
  
The girl appeared from the woods like a shadow. "I am Sparkyhair Ladela," she said in a lyrical voice, "and I wish to join you."  
  
"Join us?" snorted Boromir [I'm really really sorry for making him a sexist pig, but it's necessary] "Why should we want you? You're just a *girl*. Girls can't fight."  
  
"I'll show you!" cried Sparkyhair, her eyes flashing. "I bet I can beat you in a duel and *still* look good at the end!"  
  
Boromir agreed, and they both drew their swords. Since the girl had no idea how to use a sword, the Gondorian Warrior didn't have to do much. She eventually dropped the sword and managed to impale herself on it. Leaving the body, the Fellowship moved on.  
  
* * * *  
  
Ideas, ideas, I'm running out of plausible ideas. Soon I'm gonna have to turn this into a 'random characters get violent and start killing 'Sues'. Darn.  
  
hS 


	3. Eleven to Fifteen

I'm back. Again.  
  
Tarock: Tarock is orc? Orc s like 'Sue death? Then Tarock should like Number Twelve!  
  
Writer From Rivendell: Yes, I've seen 31 Ways. It's not quite the same principle, but I may end up looking there for ideas. Of course, with the eight good ideas I've just received from you, that won't be for some time yet.  
  
Ooh! Blood!: Yes, Treebeard. Big stompy trees making 'Sues go SPLAT!  
  
Kyma: I'm glad you like it. But who is Alexandra Speirs, please?  
  
Malfoyelf: Why would the Fellowship care? Oh Valar . . . imagine what would happen if the Mary Sues and the fangirls joined forces. AIEE! Yeah, well, you can't expect too much creativity. If they tried for a plot, it might reduce the number of Legolusting paragraphs. Ooh, multi 'Sue death. I'll think about it.  
  
Bilbo-san: Nice idea. Maybe.  
  
El loco uno: Yay! I'm glad you like it! Ooh, cookie.  
  
Tindomiel: I'm glad you like it. Good ideas, I'll have to remember them.  
  
Elanhin: I'm glad you like it! I get . . . uh, several reviews a day. Not sure how many. But on some of my stories, I get one per chapter. It's just picking the right subject, really.  
  
Legolas-lover-baby: Ah, posession. Well, actually, many of the characters are possessed. Aragorn down in no. 13, for example. Ugh, I hate that one. And yes, I'll update Pancakes.  
  
Liliac (fangirl in training): Ooh, 'Sue burning. When I come up with a good excuse, I'll burn some 'Sues.  
  
TriggerHappyElfing: Ah, pushing 'Sues off walls. Fun. I think the name came from a character called Mary Sue in some story or another, who was oh-so-perfect. Evil. I'll take that name and alter it a bit, 'cos I'm running out of ideas.  
  
Rosa: Yay! A Cassanova-Sue! Elrond can kill her, just for the hell of it.  
  
And now for more 'Sue splatting: Numbers Eleven to Fifteen  
  
Number Eleven: The Emyn Muil  
  
Elenitari Morningstar lay awake at the foot of the Emyn Muil. Beside her, Frodo and Sam rested, exhausted after their long voyage.Elenitari looked up at the stars and waited.  
  
Suddenly she heard a voice, muttering. The long hisses that punctuated the monologue gave her all the information she needed. This was Gollum, and he was after the ring. Standing silently, she slipped behind a rock.  
  
The creature came down the cliff like some sort of insect. Just as his hands settled around Frodo's throat, Elentari leapt onto his back. The the onetime hobbit still had some strength in him, however. Reaching back, he effortlessly snapped her thin neck.  
  
Number Twelve: Orcs!  
  
The orc horde came upon them without warning. As Legolas reached for his bow, Gimli for his axe and Aragorn and Boromir for their swords, Lightlife Aldenhoft leapt into the approaching army, her knives flashing.  
  
The first orc she came to, however, was completely unfair and ducked. As she tried to recover from her wild lunge, he swung his heavy sword around and snapped her spine, spilling blood everywhere.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship watched as the undisciplined orcs fell on the corpse. Then, not wishing to lose this advantage, the Nine Walkers slipped away into the forest.  
  
Number Thirteen: The The Anger of Arwen [I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry]  
  
Klikenana Morenatica lay on the soft bed in Rivendell, basking in the warm glow of leftover hormones. Beside her lay Aragorn.  
  
After hours of making mad passionate love to her, the man had finally gone to sleep, leaving her with her arms around him, her head pressed against his chest. She sighed in bliss, and then felt the touch of cold steel at her throat. As her hot blood stained the sheets, she had time to wonder what had gone wrong before all went black.  
  
Arwen stood and, with a grim smile, began to clean her sword, all the while staring at the corpse on the bed. "No one," she said softly, "steals *my* beloved."  
  
Number Fourteen: Flight to the Ford  
  
Briannatanna Viscusiwen, the second daughter of Elrond, rushed out to the stables. That sexy Estel was coming to Rivendell, and she had to go and rescue him from the Black Riders!  
  
As she leapt onto a white horse, she heard a voice from the shadows. "I think you'll find that's *my * horse, child. Not to mention my mission." With these words, Glorfindel stepped out, and shot her with an arrow. Straight through the head.  
  
The body slumped to the ground, and Glorfindel leapt up onto Asfaloth and whispered, "Go." The pair disappeared, leaving the elf corpse slumped on the ground.  
  
Number Fifteen: Flight to the Ford Mark II  
  
Melianora Pyronanda turned her horse to look back across the river. The Black Riders were assembled on the other shore and, as she watched, begant to move forward. Quickly, she began chanting.  
  
The waters of the Bruinen began to rise. Then, suddenly, a great flood came down, washing away the nine ebony horses. Too late, Melianora realised that she had stayed too near the bank of the river herself. She urged her horse up the bank, and it seemed she would make it, but at the last moment she fell off.  
  
As Frodo, slumped on the horse, moved on towards Rivendell, Melianora was swept away, smashed against rocks and water like the Nazgul before her.  
  
* * * *  
  
And now I'm going to go and apply disinfectant to my brain after what I had to write for Number Thirteen. Please leave a review to assure me it wasn't completely wasted.  
  
hS 


	4. Sixteen to Twenty

I'm back again!  
  
Tarock: Maybe the orc in you will like number 16 as well.  
  
Elanhin: I dunno, it seems to be mostly within the rating. I'm sure they can handle it.  
  
Hirilnara: Yup, that's the Mary Sue theory. I'll get round to that later.  
  
Legolas-lover-baby: Yup, I read your story. Very . . . interesting. And weird is good!  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: Yes, I updated fast. The names . . . well, they're just a product of my deranged imagination.  
  
Writer From Rivendell: //Gasp// Constructive criticism? How could you? That might actually allow them to improve! And I'm still using your ideas, and my own. All the better to kill 'Sues with.  
  
Pastlemouth: Ooh, nice name. I'll write that down.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: I post whenever I want. And don't kill Frodo - I need him for some of my stories. Yes, evil cheating Aragorn.  
  
Feanare: Violent child . . . well done!  
  
The Noble Platypus: I don't think we've had any of those ideas, actually. And I borrowed Litheriwhatsit, thank you. Had to give her an equally stupid surname, however. And thanks for the advice.  
  
Merrylyn: Oh, *those* orbs. Right. I see. And they do say 13 is an unlucky number . . .  
  
Malfoyelf: I'm sorry about thirteen. Really very sorry. But it had to happen sometime, what with the 'Sues main obsessions. Yay for removing PJ's UnCanon scenes! Maybe we should refer this to Writer From Rivendell and the Elves Against Movie!Arda . . .  
  
Tindomiel: Well, I'm glad you liked it. Huh, Arwen. She cheated.  
  
AarIIe: Thank you. Nice to know I'm not losing my touch.  
  
Liliac (fangirl in training): Nice ideas. I used one of them, look! Much evilness.  
  
Ah, nice to be morbid, yes?  
  
Nmber Sixteen: Orcs! Mark II  
  
An army of orcs rushed through the door of the Chamber of Records, deep within Moria. As the Fellowship armed themselves, Violetta Angelhair leapt onto Balin's tomb. "Do not fear!" she cried. "I am a powerful sorceress! I shall use my magic to protect us!"  
  
Unfortunately, as her 'magic' seemed to consist of holding her arms in the air and chanting, the orcs were not impressed. She was brought down by an arrow from outside the door. The Fellowship fought on, and left the room with many dead in it - Violetta amongst them.  
  
Number Seventeen: The Cracks Of Doom [RotK spoiler]  
  
Frodo fell to the ground, visible again, and clutched at his hand. As Sam rushed over to him, Arabella Skysong turned instead to the creature that danced on the edge of the chasm. Gollum held aloft a finger, on which the Ring glinted.  
  
Enraged, Arabella lunged for the thing that had once been a hobbit. He, however, had had his reactions honed over hundreds of years. He sidestepped, and she plunged into the molten lava with barely a splash.  
  
It might have comforted her to know that Gollum joined her a few seconds later, but probably not very much.  
  
Number Eighteen: Mirkwood  
  
Lilyofthevalley Moonmist was lost. After being transported to Middle Earth from her home in New York, she had wandered to Mirkwood in search of her lust object, Legolas. She hadn't actually read the books, but someone had mentioned to her once where to find him.  
  
Sadly, she was so busy composing songs in her head to sing to the Elf once she found him that she didn't look where she was going. It was only when she felt something brsh her cheek that she looked up, to find giant spiders all around her.  
  
When Legolas happened to pass by several days later, he noticed a skeleton with multi-coloured hair lying on the ground. But he did not stay long.  
  
Number Nineteen: Mirkwood Mark II  
  
King Thandruil looked at the girl his guards had escorted into his palace. She had striped hair, eyes that changed colour so often that it hurt to look at them, and claimed that her name was Litherienennalleluiacarabthiel Anamentalenissarianne. She also said she was looking for his son, and knew far too much about his palace.  
  
That decided him. "Lock her up," said the King. As she was led away, he sighed. No one had come through here without having to spend some time in the dungeons, not since those dwarves. Ah, well . . . best forget about it.  
  
And forget about it he did. So much so that, several months later, on imprisoning yet another wanderer, the guards found a decaying corpse with striped hair . . .  
  
Number Twenty: The Lonely Mountain [From 'The Hobbit']  
  
Bilbo crept down the passage to the centre of the Mountain, his ring firmly on his finger. Unfortunately, he didn't notice that Harmony Lightfoot, the girl they had rescued from Mirkwood, had followed him through the secret door.  
  
Upon reaching the chamber, Bilbo discovered to his horror that the great dragon Smaug was awake! Ansd, worse still, had smelled that someone was there. Bilbo was in great danger of being burned to a crisp when the dragon noticed Harmony hiding in the tunnel.  
  
As the rock cooled from the blast of flame, Bilbo, who had fortunately been out of the passage by that time, saw that there was nothing left of Harmony save a shadow burnt into the wall.  
  
* * * *  
  
I know there aren't many 'Sues who plague the Hobbit, but I like the dragon. So, no worries, right?  
  
hS 


	5. TwentyOne to TwentyFive

Hello!  
  
Writer From Rivendell: That's the thing, isn't it? Badfic author's can actually be nice people. Um . . . did I spell Thranduil wrong again?  
  
Malfoyelf the lazy: Aww, me wanna time travelling thingy. Yay! English sales! I like the Treebeard impression. Oh no! A 'Sue after you!  
  
GirloftheBlueFiresofNever: I'm glad you liked it!  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Ah, lovely giant spiders . . . maybe you should adopt a Mini-Aragog from the HFA.  
  
The Noble Platypus: True, they do. I'll note that down. Glad you liked it.  
  
Merrylyn: Yes, Smaug is great. Because anything involving fire is great. Fire is great.  
  
Salty Peanut Butter aka NINA: I'm glad you liked it. Yes, that does sound good . . . thanks!  
  
Tindomiel: Yay for Smaug!  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: Nice names. I'll note them down and use them later.  
  
Elanhin: Thranduil isn't cruel, he's just misuderstood. Yeah . . .  
  
Liliac (fangirl in training): Yes, I thought you'd like that.  
  
Bilbo-san: Poor Frodo indeed. Evil Gollum.  
  
Hirilnara: Glad you like it!  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Maybe we'll see a few of them in here. As for the rest of this . . . I think that incurring the wrath of the Raven would be a very *bad* idea. And that's not a threat, just a bit of advice.  
  
Jester: Nearly as good as OFUM? I am not worthy, I am not worthy . . . As for the ideas, they are good. I'll note them down and use them later. Yay for Eowyn!  
  
And now, from the creator of Pancakes!, comes a lot of extremely morbid death! Yay!  
  
Number TwentyOne: The Death of Boromir  
  
Frodo was missing, and Boromir too. That was all that Galadrielessarwendil could think of as she rushed through the forests above the camp. The Ringbearer had to be found.  
  
Suddenly, the quarter-elf, quarter-hobbit, eighth-dwarf, three-eighths-ent saw, through the trees, a horde of orcs. Running ahead of them were Boromir, Merry and Pippin. As she watched, a huge orc stood on a hill to her left, and raised its bow.  
  
Galadrielessarwendil ran towards the orc, intent on saving Boromir. And save him she might have, had not another orc spotted her, raised its bow, and shot her through the head. As she collapsed, she wondered if the arrow was poisoned, decided that it didn't matter, and then succumbed to the pain.  
  
Number TwentyTwo: Fool of a Took!  
  
The ten members of the Fellowship sat in the chamber in Moria. Pinkish Mouldywater watched the youngest Hobbit, Pippin, as he fiddled with a skeleton by the well. Predictably, it fell in.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" cried Gandalf. "Why don't you just throw Pinkish in next time and save us all the trouble?"  
  
The girl nodded, and then realise what he had said. "Wait a minute!" But she was too late. Pippin, accompanied by the other three Hobbits, grabbed her limbs and threw her down into the depths of Moria. As she fell, she thought she heard the sound of drums. Then she hit the bottom, bones shattered, and she died in terrible agony.  
  
Number TwentyThree: Orthanc  
  
"There is only one Lord of the Rings," cried Harmony Lightfoot, "and he does not share power!" At this, she leapt over the side of the tower, leaving an astonished Saruman behind.  
  
He had always underestimated her, ever since she had come across Gandalf exhausted in the forest and had volunteered to take his message to the White Wizard. She had been imprisoned, stuck up on a tower, and now had to rely on an eagle for escape. Where was that bird, anyway? The ground was getting awfully . . .  
  
Ther girl hit the ground with a sickening thud that spoke of broken bones and a liquified brain. As the orcs ambled over, they looked up to see an eagle, flying swiftly away. It had never come anywhere near the tower.  
  
Number TwentyFour: Orthanc Mark II  
  
The ents arrived at Isengard, Bumpybrainlass Lesseewhatwegot leading them. Although she was only a quarter ent, she had still gained the respect of all those present, including Treebeard.  
  
She watched as her larger relatives smashed the workings with rock and branch. Unfortunately for her, she didn't see the group who smashed the dam (which is slightly UnCanon anyway, but who cares?). The water rushed down, and although the ents themselves could remain upright, Bumpybrainlass was swept backwards.  
  
Although this should not have been dangerous, she was standing in front of one of the deep pits. She fell a long way, and eventually died of a combination of smashing and drowning.  
  
Number TwentyFive: The Council of Elrond Mark IV  
  
"And you have my spiffy magical powers, too, cute little hobbit thing!"  
  
Silvergold Shinyblossomleafyflowers rose, and stood with the others assembled with Frodo. Once the other hobbits had run down to join them from the places they had been hidden, Elrond rose. "Very well," he said. "You ten shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
Silvergold grinned with pleasure, and then screamed as a bolt of lighting split the clear sky, striking her and setting her ablaze. As she writhed in agony on the flagstones, sh heard a booming voice from the sky bellow, "It's nine, you idiot. Nine!" Then she heard no more.  
  
* * * *  
  
Thank you, thank you. If you liked this story, why not review? I like reviews . . .  
  
hS 


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